I guess that's true.
I am in the middle of a full blown spiral downward. You probably can't tell. I'm sitting in this coffee shop, people all around me, typing...working, headphones on, just like everyone else...
We're all ok, right?
I come here to practice for work. When I get to work, I'll have to actually talk to people. Smile. Laugh. Certainly not cry. So I come here to practice just being around people for a little bit, so that when I get to work, I can be normal. Or at least look normal.
We're all ok...
It's 2:59 pm.
I am trying not to cry. I keep having to remember to sit up straight. My body tries to fold into itself and my back will hurt for days if I don't catch it.
Sit up straight.
Fix your face. You're wearing this look of devastation. It's weird. Half smile or something.
Stop biting your nails. They're bleeding.
Are you mad? Stop being mad. Stop freaking out. The past is over. No one is going to hurt you.
Who cares what they think?
Why can't I stop caring?
You hate her, don't you? This is why we never had children...
Don't hate. Hate is bad.
What does forgiveness look like?
Why are you thinking about this again?
Think about something else. Think about anything else.
I can't breathe.
Stop obsessing over that e-mail. No one cares.
Don't cry. DO NOT CRY.
I miss my husband.
DO NOT CRY.
I want to go home. I want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep and never get up...
But no...we don't give up that easily...
I should take more vitamin D. My therapist mentioned the change in seasons...
But I love winter...I just hate me.
I don't hate me. I hate my brain.
Why is this happening? Why won't it stop? Why won't it just shut up?
I can't be here anymore.
I want to scream. Screaming is weird. Do not scream.
My chest. My chest hurts.
Don't cry. Keep typing.
Fix your face. Look around. Smile at strangers.
Someone walked in that I know. Head down. Don't look up. Pretend that you don't see them. They might want to talk to you. Head down, keep typing.
This goes on forever.
It never turns off.
In my head, it looks like rain. It feels like drowning.
But it's invisible.
3:08 pm in a coffeeshop, typing, headphones on, and we're all ok...
...it looks like we're all ok.