It looks like rain...

What does anxiety look like? What does depression look like? Supposedly they're "invisible illnesses."

I guess that's true.

I am in the middle of a full blown spiral downward. You probably can't tell. I'm sitting in this coffee shop, people all around me, typing...working, headphones on, just like everyone else...

We're all ok, right?

I come here to practice for work. When I get to work, I'll have to actually talk to people. Smile. Laugh. Certainly not cry. So I come here to practice just being around people for a little bit, so that when I get to work, I can be normal. Or at least look normal.

We're all ok...

It's 2:59 pm.

I am trying not to cry. I keep having to remember to sit up straight. My body tries to fold into itself and my back will hurt for days if I don't catch it.

Sit up straight.

Fix your face. You're wearing this look of devastation. It's weird. Half smile or something.

Stop biting your nails. They're bleeding.

Are you mad? Stop being mad. Stop freaking out. The past is over. No one is going to hurt you.

Who cares what they think?

Why can't I stop caring?

You hate her, don't you? This is why we never had children...

Don't hate. Hate is bad.

What does forgiveness look like?

Why are you thinking about this again?

Think about something else. Think about anything else.

I can't breathe.

Stop obsessing over that e-mail. No one cares.

Don't cry. DO NOT CRY.

I miss my husband.

DO NOT CRY.

I want to go home. I want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep and never get up...
But no...we don't give up that easily...

I should take more vitamin D. My therapist mentioned the change in seasons...

But I love winter...I just hate me.

I don't hate me. I hate my brain.

Why is this happening? Why won't it stop? Why won't it just shut up?

I can't.

I can't be here anymore.

I want to scream. Screaming is weird. Do not scream.

My chest. My chest hurts.

Don't cry. Keep typing.

Fix your face. Look around. Smile at strangers.

Someone walked in that I know. Head down. Don't look up. Pretend that you don't see them. They might want to talk to you. Head down, keep typing.

Don't cry.

3:08 pm.

This goes on forever.

It never turns off.

In my head, it looks like rain. It feels like drowning.

But it's invisible.

3:08 pm in a coffeeshop, typing, headphones on, and we're all ok...


...it looks like we're all ok.

4 comments:

Jenny said...

From what I've learned... the more you tell yourself to stop thinking or feeling something, the worse it gets (like pushing a beach ball down into water... it pops back up). What if you tried just not being mad at yourself for having anxiety? Instead, become super familiar with the feeling, rate on a scale of 1-10, and then remind yourself that it comes and goes :) in substance use treatment we call it urge surfing but I bet you it works for anxiety too! Hang in there :)

Jessica said...

Thank you. I'll try that. I've definitely reached the point where I'm just pissed that this is happening, and that it won't just go away. I'll try just about anything at this point.

Jaci Musec said...

I wish i could just hold your hand.
Not because i want to fix things i know i cant. But, i just want to make it a little less.
As an outsider looking in... It seems like youve made this big awesome and brave decision for yourself. To sell the bar. But its scary and big and brave. So all the bad thoughts are trying to take that goodness away. The goodness you should be able to feel, when you do awesome brave things.
Im going to keep cheering for you! For more time to spend making art, more time to snuggle your pups, more time to love on your husband, more space to breathe and grow, for more time that you can focus on you... Doing brave and big things.
Keep going. You are beautiful, worthy and loved. Your anxiety doesnt scare me, your depression doesnt make you lesser. You are human... Being human is hard. Esspecially when circumstamces make it harder, more painful.
Keep going.
Im rooting for you. You are a brave one!

Annette Holland said...

(((((Big big big hugs!))))) And scream therapy is amazing (in the privacy of your own home or into a pillow). It's a great stress relief when you can't get the catharsis from a good cry.

I've been there, and here again, and it is worse in the winter, no matter where you live, including Southern California (it's just not as terrible). Find someone to talk to. Grab a coloring book. My therapist, who prefers cognitive behavior therapy, let me know it's more than OK to go on meds to get your brain chemistry back on track, especially when the dark chocolate stops working (small smile). Give yourself a break long enough to find a solution. Anxiety sucks sweaty monkey balls.