And so it goes...

Last night I found out that my brother is going back to prison.

It's a difficult thing - to write about your own life and at the same time, try to respect the privacy of the people in your life. It's not my job or my place to tell their stories. But our stories are interwoven and...

I was raised with Denial. It's unhealthy. I want to smash Denial to pieces. Denial has wreaked havoc on my family. Denial lives inside of my brother and it eats him alive.

So do I write? Or do I say nothing? If I say nothing, is it Denial or is it respect for privacy?

So I land here: You cannot live with Denial. 

You cannot pretend that you're not sick. That you don't need help. That your childhood didn't happen that way. That people didn't hurt you. That you didn't hurt people. That your problems aren't too big and that you don't feel lost and out of control.

Denial will set up residence in your mind and she will poke and prod at you and then turn away and pretend like it wasn't her. She will drive you mad. She will drive you to drink. To put the needle in your arm. To lash out at everyone around you. To just say fuck it all, because what does it matter anyway?

And then Denial will tell you that there's nothing wrong. That this is normal. That no one wants to hear about your problems, anyway. Pretend everything is fine, and eventually it will be. Pretend that it wasn't that bad, and eventually you will forget.

Denial.

My heart is broken for my brother. For my entire family. For the way that we are splintered and awkward and uncomfortable and broken.

What do we do with this mess? 

We move Denial out.

We don't pretend that we're not sick. That we don't need help. We don't pretend that we aren't broken and splintered. We don't pretend that this isn't a mess. We don't pretend that we can fix each other. We don't pretend that things are fine when they are not.

It's not an easy task...to move Denial out. It hurts. But break ups are always hard. Until the day you wake up and you breathe. And you have that moment. That "oh" moment. When you realize it really is better this way. As hard as it was to let go, as long as it has taken you to get over her, life really is better without Denial.

Let her go.


2003. Denial and I have a very long history together.








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