It's New Year's Eve.
This is the time when we make all of the promises, to ourselves and to others, about how much better we're going to be, because right now we are not good enough.
I mean, that's basically what a New Year's Resolution is, right?
How can I be better than who I am right now.
I was thinking about going into the New Year and how much my life has changed over the last year and the thing is...
I don't have any resolutions. For the first time in a really, really, REALLY long time, my soul feels light. My heart feels open. My mind feels peaceful.
And this is why:
I needed help and I finally asked for it.
I left facebook and turned off all of the noise of one thousand people's opinions about absolutely everything. I quit shoving my opinions about absolutely everything at one thousand people who probably never really cared.
I realized that I care far too much about what other people think and that I should definitely stop doing that. Because the things I worry about constantly are not things that most people care about, anyway.
I stopped feeling obligated to make sure everyone else was ok and started making sure that I was ok.
I love people. So much.
I got a bunch of plants!
I mean...I just overcame the last hurdle to this peace something like two days ago, so by no means do I have this locked in. The thing is - I have been anxious and sad and overworked and stressed and trying too hard and traumatized and freaked out and depressed and holding it in for most of my life. Who am I if I'm not that girl?
And as an artist, how do I transition from all of that pain to this...peace? And will anyone care? How do I keep connected without all of this darkness?
I got scared, you guys. I've been embracing my love of color and make-up and music and laughter and joy and solitude and I had this moment where I thought...no one is ever going to take me seriously again. I'm this weird mash-up of "bring me all of the joy and let me love you and everything is amazing but also, please stay away from me because I get anxious and depressed and I don't like to be around people."
And then I said "fuck it." I don't care. I can't constantly try to keep shifting everything around so that everyone else is comfortable. I can't hang out with people all of the time and pretend that I totally love social events when in reality I fucking hate them. I can't pretend I don't like rainbows and make -up and mythical creatures and bright red lipstick and crazy hair and cake with sprinkles just because some random person might not take me seriously. I can't not feel what I feel or not be all fucked up and weird because I just am fucked up and weird.
I've been so tired. But now I'm rested. Now I'm here. I think I'm ready to be me. Finally.
I'm excited to enter 2017 exactly like this.
Happy New Year. Whatever it brings you, I hope it includes peace and joy and happiness, a couple of mythical creatures and at least one slice of cake with sprinkles. You deserve it. And if you're a fucked up weirdo, I hope you embrace it. And also, I'd probably like to be your friend. From a distance. Because you're people.