Quick everybody, company's coming, put your good pants on!

So this has happened...

Me: So...I'm in Art & Society Magazine this month.
James: Do they have a police report section?
Me: Why would I be in the police report section?
James: Why would you be in a magazine called "Art & Society?"
Me: Because apparently I'm high society, dumbass.
James: Isn't "high society" the name of a porn magazine?
Me: I don't know.

Me: Why would you know that?
James: Know what?
Me: About some obscure porno magazine?
James: I was in a fraternity.
Me: Oh.
James: What are you doing?
Me: Googling "High Society."

Me: "High Society" is a porno magazine.
James: So you're in a porno magazine?
Me: No, I'm in "Art & Society." It's for artists and um...like...important people and um...stuff like that.
James: And they don't have a police report section?
Me: No.
James: So why are you in it?
Me: I'm not really sure...

James: Were you maybe going to shower today?
Me: Thinkin' about it...


Anyway, I'm in this "Art & Society" magazine this month and it's a huge honor and all, but the thing is, somehow I gave them this website address instead of the www.shopheylola.com address, so all sorts of really refined people are coming over here and I really need you all to have clean underwear on and stuff so we don't all look like idiots. Please. Also, this just goes to show you that we can all achieve great things even if we did maybe forget to shower today and we smell a little bit like socks soaked in day old Ramen noodles.

P.S. If you google "High Society" , all of these images of this porno magazine come up, except they're totally outdated and if you just glance at it, it looks kind of like "Tiger Beat" or "Teen Beat" or something and you kind of expect to see a headline like, "All of Your Favorite Saved By The Bell Cast Members with their Wangs and Stuff Hanging Out!" Except it would probably be a little bit better worded because even porn writers have to use proper grammar...
...I think.



(This is by no means meant to imply that any member of Saved by the Bell ever showed their wang or junk or anything to any magazine, porn or otherwise...except Jesse Spano, because everybody already saw Showgirls so her junk is out there.)

Read more...

That one time that I almost died and lost my memory and forgot that I had a blog...

So, I could give you guys a bunch of stupid excuses about why I haven't been here, whining about how, "Oh, I'm so busy...I have this new bar that I bought and I work all of the time and I'm all tired and stuff...blah blah blah..."

But you guys don't want to hear that and it's totally not even true, anyway. I love you guys so I think it's important that we're honest with each other...

The truth is, I had amnesia. And the reason that I had amnesia is because the economy completely sucks and I'm broke and my imaginary baby Awesome the First works for the FBI and I asked him if he could hook me up with a job, so he did and I became a super secret agent and I was in a helicopter chasing this fugitive from justice and we were over the ocean and the fugitive from justice was in a boat and I jumped out of the helicopter right when this giant octopus who was all entwined with this mega shark came flying out of the sea and I bounced off of the octopus' skull and passed right out. The Navy Seals came and rescued me and took me to this hospital in Switzerland, and I was ok except when I woke up I didn't remember anything - not even my own name. Plus, since I was a super secret agent, the Navy Seals and the FBI and the CIA and all of those guys weren't allowed to tell anyone anything about me, so they just left me there and everybody called me Lavender GallBladder and anyone who actually knew my real name couldn't find me...although I'm told that there was a pretty serious search effort put forth by my friends and family....you probably saw it on the news or America's Most Wanted or Mystery Science Theatre 3000 or something.



(I'm pretty sure that the octopus looked exactly like this, only about a gazillion times bigger, probably)

Anyway, Awesome the First went to his Commander in Chief and he was all,"Captain! We have to find my mom!" And the Chief Captain Commander was all, "No! You can't handle the truth!" And my son was like,"But Captain, she could be in serious peril!" And the Captain Chief Commander in Charge was all, "Get out of my office! You make me sick!" And my son was all, "I'm not leaving here without my mother!" and then he threw his gun and his badge on the desk and he stormed out of the office and the Charge Captain was all, "If you walk out of here now, son, dont come back!" and Awesome was all, "I'm not your son!" and he spit on the ground and then he came and rescued me because you can't break the bonds between a mother and her son...

Anyway, I'm ok now and I remember who I am and stuff and I'm on Super Secret Agent Hiatus for a while, because of all of the stuff that I just went through...but if you see me waiting tables anywhere, you probably shouldn't mention any of this because that would probably mean that I was back to work and all undercover and busting fugitives from justice and stuff and you guys don't want to be responsible for blowing my cover.

P.S. James was just reading over my shoulder and he was all, "Octopuses don't have skulls. They're invertebrates."
Me: "Yeah, well most sharks aren't the size of the statue of liberty either."
James: "Octopuses with skulls and giant sharks aren't real."
Me: "Ok, smart guy. Try telling that to the evil scientist that probably created them, then."
Jamies: "Didn't you major in biology?"
Me: "Um - yeah. Biology of non-evil scientist genetically manipulated sea creatures...stupid."
James: "You're a dildo."
Me: "You're just jealous because I'm a scientist and you're not."
James: "Shut up, dildo."

Anyway, the moral to the story is that James is an idiot and evil scientists are out in the world at this very moment genetically engineering squids and jellyfish and octopuses and filling them with skeletons and unicorn horns and stuff and we would all be wise to remember a little thing called the Buddy System when we go swimming.

Read more...

Things I learned in 2009

As we embark on this new year, this new decade, I would like to impart on you...to you..er...for you...um....

I'd like to throw some things I learned at you. Hopefully you will treasure them and hold them close to your bosoms...keep them with you as you travel through the year and use these precious little nuggets of wisdom to help you through the most difficult of times...

1. The song "Imma Bee" by The Black Eyed Peas is not about being a bee. It's apparently about...being...or something. Not knowing this is not a big deal if you're just thinking this in your head...not knowing this is more than a little embarassing if you happen to be hanging out with a group of people who are way cooler than you and you wonder out loud if this is a sign that the Black Eyed Peas are maybe going to change their name to "The Black Eyed Bees." So, in 2010, please try to remember:




Fergie = Not a bee.

2. Oprah is leaving us in 18 months. This is important to you because it means that you only have about a year left to get your act together and convince Oprah to give me a box of kleenex and a seat on her couch. It wouldn't hurt to remind her of what a great person I am and how I'm still super, super sorry about that whole Beyonce thing and that everyone should just get over it already and move on like freaking grown-ups instead of dwelling on it and holding grudges and just being huge super jerks about the whole thing and not letting people achieve their dreams and be on the only show that ever really mattered to them, EVER.

...I'm just sayin'...forgiveness is pretty awesome. Anyway:



2010 = Oprah and Jessica are BFFs.


Actually, that's all I learned in 2009. Two things isn't very much and I really tried and tried to remember what else I possibly could have learned but seriously...nothing. Of course, this could mean only one thing...

...I now know everything in the world there is to know. Which means...I'm the smartest person in the world! I know, right? What a great year for me! Anyway, since I'm the smartest person in the world and you guys aren't and I'm really super generous, I'm starting an advice column. Feel free to ask me anything, either here or via my twitter account (www.twitter.com/loveheylola). I'll totally hook you up with the knowledge.

P.S. My vast array of knowledge includes math...

Read more...

Merry Holidays (or something)!

I know I said I wasn't going to post again before the holidays, but you guys pretty much already know what a huge liar I am so this should come as no surprise to anyone.

First, I want to thank you all so very, very, VERY much for making me once again the number one google search for ass bunnies. I can't even tell you how much this means to me...It's kind of like a Christmas miracle. You guys are the best. Also, I feel pretty good about stomping on urban dictionary's temporary ass bunny crown because it's creepy when "fecal matter" shows up as the number one description in your search results. Everybody knows that this is what people are looking for when they google ass bunnies. (It's ok, you can click it, I'm all family friendly and stuff for the holidays).



In other news...I don't really have any. I really won't be back until after Christmas or Festivus or whatever it is that you all are celebrating right now so I really hope that you all have a FABULOUS holiday. OH!And...

P.S. It's never too late to talk to your kids about drugs...and Santa Claus:



















(Most of this awesome sauce was found here and here.)

Read more...

Somebody Won Something!

Check it out you guys! I'm totally late announcing my blog giveaway winner...

I know. You're completely shocked. Knock you over with a feather and all of that.

Anyway, there are a few things that have delayed the announcement. First - I never expected to feel so guilty about the fact that only one of you could win. Seriously, when I drew the name I was all, "Yes! That's totally awesome, yay for this person!" And then I was all, "Oh crap...that means that none of these other people won. Lame." And then I was trying to figure out how I could real quick whip together thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and commission Made by Laura to real quick make me a bunch of ass bunnies and I was totally stressing out about it because, you know...I just opened this bar and I work here a gazillion hours a week. Seriously. I'm here right now. Look:


(That's my finger that I wrapped in a napkin and some duct tape because I'm super clumsy and I break stuff and bleed and also I forgot to buy band-aids for the bar. Also, if you buy snuggies for your bar so people can wear them when they go outside to smoke, you get free booklights, which are perfect for highlighting duct taped fingers. Anyway, that's me, in my bar, right now, just like I said. If you have any doubt, you can also tell that it's me because those are my boobs in the background.)

Anyway, I felt so bad that I couldn't even sleep and when I finally did fall asleep I was having nightmares where you guys were all chasing me and shouting at me to give you your two dollars and I was crying, like...really serious mascara tears and yelling back at you all to leave me alone because I didn't even owe you guys two dollars and contests are supposed to be fun and why are you all being so mean to me? And James finally woke me up because I was screaming "TAKE YOUR TWO DOLLARS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS BUNNY!" and he was afraid that the neighbors were going to call the cops or something and also he wanted me to be awake so I could see him laughing at me.

I can't really remember any of the other stuff that delayed the announcement.

Anyway, without further ado, the winner...

oh wait!

I remember what else delayed the announcement and before you guys get all bent out of shape and start hassling me for your two dollars, you should know that this part is really important.

I'm moving my store off of Etsy and to my very own stand alone site. So, you know, if you won the contest and you go to my store and it's all empty and you're all, "This totally sucks...this store is all empty...this is like winning $100 worth of lint!" you should know that the other half of my stuff is over here. And that if you want to wait a little bit, I'm going to be adding new stuff, probably as soon as tomorrow. So it's really way better than winning lint. Plus you get that ass bunny. So anyway, without further ado, the winner of my first annual most awesome ass bunny contest ever:

Denae D'Arcy!

Give it up for Denae, everybody! Also, I know that most of you probably don't know Denae, but she's quite lovely and even though we've never met, I like her a whole lot. As much as I like all of you. You should all introduce yourselves.

I'll wait...

Ok, cool. Now, I'd like to promise you that I'll be back really soon, but we all know that that's probably a lie. So I hope you all have a lovely holiday and a safe and fabulous new year and I really am being 100% sincere. 'Cause you guys are my favorites.

Read more...

Don't mess with me Google, I've got ass bunny ninjas just waiting to kick your butt

So, apparently one of the side effects of me all but ignoring this blog, is that I've lost the number one position.

You know which one. The most coveted search result in all of Google-land.

I'm no longer the number one search result for ass bunnies.

I know, I know...it's my own fault entirely...it's like, when you neglect the important things in life, the important things in life get snatched right out of your grasp. Then you're stuck crying in a bathtub somewhere, nothing but a shell of your former self...just the girl who was once the Queen of the Ass Bunnies.

You guys know I'm not going to stand for this, right? I mean, if you're not going to fight for what you believe in, what good are you? Sometimes you just have to jump up on your car and yell, " I AM THE QUEEN OF THE ASS BUNNIES!!!"

...and then real quick get down when you realize that that's not actually your car and the cops just showed up and your driver's license is totally expired.

The other thing that you could do is hold a contest because you're lucky enough to know somebody who's crafty and has created a cute and fuzzy ass bunny action figure for you:






(Made By Laura makes ass bunnies for me. Made By Laura is awesome.)


That one isn't mine because mine is dressed like a ninja...I mean, his face is, anyway. His butt has to stay uncovered because he's an ass bunny. Obviously. Ninja ass bunny.

No, this particular ass bunny is yours. And he comes with a $100 gift certificate to my store. True story. And my store is about to get even more stuff in it. So, you know...you'll have more stuff to choose from. Stuff like this:







How do you win? By entering. How do you enter? By leaving a comment on this post. How do you enter more than once? Like, say, 5 times? You post a blog entry that links back here or to my store. How do you enter 10 times? You post a blog entry that links back to my blog AND my store. Whatever you decide to do, you have to come back here and tell me. Otherwise I'm not going to know because I haven't finished becoming psychic yet.

Additional rules: You can't say ass bunny or ass bunnies if you blog about me. You can say butt rabbit, gluteus maximus rodent, behind hare or something else along those lines but YOU CANNOT SAY ASS BUNNY. Chances are you blog more than I do and therefore, probably have more readers. If you start talking about ass bunnies over on your blog, you're going to take the ass bunny crown and then you and I are going to fight. And you'll be disqualified. Which would not be cool because I really, really like you.

Also, anything you blog about me has to be nice. Lie if you have to, I don't mind. OOOOH!OOOOH!! You should write a poem! A super sweet and shiny poem...that would be awesome.

The drawing ends at midnight, December 10th. The winner will be announced within a few days after. So you can use your gifts for yourself OR as holiday presents. Cool, huh?

P.S. If you were wondering where I actually disappeared to, my husband and I have been building this place. It's pretty awesome.
Also, I still love Natalie Dee:

www.nataliedee.com

Read more...

A&E should do an Intervention show about Bravo, because Rachel Zoe and the Atlanta Housewives are seriously ruining my life.

I'd like to say that I haven't posted in over a month because of all of the empire building I'm doing over here. Like, I can't post because I'm knee deep in construction projects and renovation projects and red tape and legal mumbo jumbo and 10,000 pounds of jewelry parts. I'd like to say that and really, I am buried in all of that stuff...but... I've had spare time.

I keep late hours, hours in which renovation isn't possible and lawyers don't want to talk to you.

I've had the computer in front of me multiple times, all ready to go.

I've had people ask me how my new baby is and I'm all, "Oh, he's great, he's in college now, going to be a neuroastrosurgeonautologist...read my blog, I'll probably post pictures tonight!"

...and then I get home and I'm all..."OMG, there's a Rachel Zoe marathon. She's totally going to shut it down. I have to watch this. Seriously. Lit.er.ally."

And James looks at me like I'm crazy person, which isn't really anything new and I don't even know why I even bother asking him why he's looking at me like that but I always do anyway so I'm like, "What?"

James: Why are you talking like a moron?
Me: OMG. I'm totally not. Seriously.
James: Seriously, you totally are. Knock it off. Also, didn't you just watch the Bravo channel for 3 days straight this week when you had the flu?
Me: OMG. It was bananas. Those shoes were O.O.C. Right? I died. I...lit.er.ally just...died.
James: No you didn't. You had the flu.
Me: What are you talking about?
James: You already saw this show...many, many times.
Me: I know. I die.
James: What are you talking about?
Me: What are YOU talking about?
James: I'm going out to the garage.

So then I have to call Emily because she's a girl and married and rational and she knows exactly how difficult it is sometimes to be in a marriage where communication is such a problem.

Emily: I was going to call you!
Me: I know. I saw on facebook that you were sick. Are you ok?
Emily: Oh man, it was so bad, I thought I was going to die.
Me: Bananas. Was it vertigo? Rachel Zoe had vertigo.
Emily: no...it was...
Me: Did you die? Lit.er.ally? She literally just died. Except she wasn't dead.
Emily: Um...no. I had labyrinthitis.
Me: Shut UP! Was your stomach the bog of eternal stench? Was David Bowie floating all over the place in tight pants, trying to steal your baby brother?
Emily: Um...no...I was all dizzy and...
Me: Were you "Tardy for the Par-dee?"
Emily: What?
Me: Don't be tard-dee fer tha par-dee...whoa oh oh oh oh oh....don't be tard-ee for the par-dee....
Emily: Are you talking to me or are you talking to somebody else?
Me: Sorry. Remember how Kim can't sing and everybody was making fun of her last season? Well, this season there's this new housewife and she's a singer and she totally hooked Kim up with this dance song and they played it at this party and they totally shut.it.down.
Emily: Who's Kim?
Me: The Real Housewives of Atlanta? Hello?
Emily: Riiiight....hey, can I call you back later? I'm not feeling so great.
Me: Oh, cool, no problem. Top Chef is on anyway. Hey! Tell David Bowie I said "hey sexy!" and I love his hair.
Emily: Right.

Anyway, I started watching Top Chef and I was going to blog but then I thought I'd look up "labyrinthitis" because that is seriously, the best fake illness name EVER and Emily is hilarious for thinking it up and HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!

Labyrinthitis is real.

Like, super real, makes you feel like crap and your eyes go all weird and you're dizzy and pukey and it's kind of like if you had vertigo and then a mathematician came along and squared it and then a better mathematician came along and squared it again. Seriously uncomfortable, freaky, weird, REAL illness.

Anyway, I called Emily back and I was all, "I'm SO sorry I made fun of your labyrinthitis, I thought you were talking about the movie and I got all distracted because David Bowie is SO hot." And it turns out she's only seen Labyrinth one time instead of the zillion times that I've seen it, and she actually HAD labyrinthitis so her first thought was "I think I'm going to puke because of my labyrinthitis" and my first thought was, "Emily is my greatest friend ever because she makes up illnesses based on David Bowie movies" so we weren't really even on the same page at all. Plus, she doesn't watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta and also, "Tardy for the Party" isn't really a very good song so I'm probably super lucky that she even answered the phone when I called her back.

The good news is, she did know that Rachel Zoe had vertigo and she agreed that it was bananas. She also agreed that the shoes were OOC and that when she is cured of her labyrinthitis, we should dress like David Bowie in Labyrinth and go out and shut.it.down.

Seriously.


Literally.

Or, as my friend Emily says, "literaseriously."

P.S. First, I can't post pictures of my kid because he's doing top secret government work and I have to protect his identity...and also, he inherited my giant head and it's hard to get a good picture. Second:



Bizarro.

Read more...