I'm not even sure really what I want this post to be about...I just know that I feel like, even though I don't have to explain, I want to explain some things. Or clarify. Or...let's just talk?
A few months ago, when I was hit with the most crippling social anxiety I had ever experienced, I realized that things were going to have to change as far as the business side of me goes. I'm face to face with my customers all of the time, and if I don't want them to think a bad experience might be about them, then they have to know that it's about me. That I'm going through some garbage, and that it might make me a little off.
2015 is the year that I unravel the large, tangled mass of yarn that is my life and try to make something beautiful with it. I'm unraveling. There are knots. It's gonna take a minute to get through all of them. And I've decided to unravel in a very public manner, because I'm very, very tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not so that people will feel ok about me. As it happens, the people that wanted me to not be me, were never going to be ok with me anyway, not in any version. So I might as well be the me-est me I can be, and if people are not ok with that, then it's not me...it's definitely them.
This all makes sense, right?
The thing about unraveling all of these knots in such a public manner, is that I know that it's harder for some people to read it than it is for me to tell it. I mean - I've been living with this for years, and the things that really hurt my heart now probably aren't the worst stories that I could tell. "When I was 8" was hard to write because now it's out there. Like - everybody knows. When people who were molested talk about feeling dirty and ashamed - that's a real feeling. It's embarrassing. And it totally shouldn't be, but it is. And going about your daily routine knowing that people might look at you like you're tainted...it's...uncomfortable. I mean, I'm still going to talk about stuff because I am committed to the unraveling, but it is absolutely, without a doubt, less than comfortable.
But talking about it now doesn't break my heart, because it's been with me for so long. I've become a little bit hardened to it. There are cracks in that shell, for sure, but time has made each recollection of the events a little less god awful.
But...for people who know me, and didn't know this...in this moment, today, I think it's harder to hear or read than it is for me to talk about it. And I am not sorry for writing about it, but I'm sorry if it hurts you to know it. Legitimately. I know there are people hanging out here with me, coming along for the journey, who have such big hearts, and I know that you hurt when other people hurt.I love your big hearts, but I know that some of this is difficult to hear. So I want you to know a few things.
First - there's a lot to be unraveled, and there are going to be more difficult things. I just want to give you a heads up so that you can take care of yourself.
Second - if my experience mirrors your own, you can absolutely send me a message if you just want someone to know. A few people have done that and I'm so grateful that they felt they could share that with me. The thing is, in those instances, I'm not really sure what the right thing to say is, because at the heart of it...there is nothing to say. I can just be a person you can tell. And so usually I just send a brief message and a little emoticon heart back, which might seem like the least I could say, but is actually the most. Because it means that I hear you. And I'm with you. And you can tell me. And I have no judgement, and I know where you're at, and I'm here for you, in the best way that I can be.
Third - Unraveling a horrible past doesn't mean that I'm just going to be sad and serious all of the time. I'm still going to laugh. I'm still going to dance. I'm still going to sing and make stupid jokes and be ok. And I'm going to try and break up the unraveling here on the blog with some posts about other things ...things I love. Like dogs. And business. And art. And photoshopping my husband into a two headed dinosaur with my best friend, Oprah Winfrey.
I guess I just...I just wanted to talk to you about where this is all going and make sure that we're all ok. And again tell you how much I appreciate your support and your friendship and your gigantic hearts.