Hey Lola

Learning from your mistakes: More super excellent life coaching from a really awesome life coach.

Learn from your Mistakes

Life coaching advice from self proclaimed life coach and expert on life coaching,

Jessica Benassi

One of the things that you should do when you make mistakes, is learn from them. When you learn from your mistakes, you don't make the same mistake twice, because you learned a valuable lesson, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Also, mistakes happen and nobody's perfect, so you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.

Anyway, 2012 has been chock full of lessons for me and I thought I would share some of those lessons with you, so that you can use them to your advantage and become a better person...

First: Fiverr is this really cool site where a bunch of people will do just about anything for $5.00. Dancing, singing, pretending to be Arnold Schwarzenegger...whatever. There are also a bunch of people who can somehow magically convince all of their facebook friends to like you, for the low low price of $5. I'm a sucker, so I paid the 5 bucks and within 24 hours all of these people had liked my Hey Lola facebook page. It was AMAZING! Then I realized every single new "fan" was a half naked girl named Myrtle, with giant boobs spilling out all over the place, and making her best duckface for her iphone camera.

DANGIT!

My likes weren't from real people. That was one of those, "wow. sometimes i do stuff that's really stupid." moments. Thankfully I only have those once or twice a day, or I'd probably have been run over by a car by now. Or a zebra. Also, I wouldn't ever have any money.

Oh, also, my fiverr guy asked me to change my feedback because I was honest and then we internet argued and then he was all: "i only can refound you...u cant find on fiverr or any where else real likes bro especialy for 5$."

He called me bro and he wants to refound me. I kind of feel like the appropriate response is to exact some really unique comic book style revenge on him. I'm open to suggestions.

I've got more stuff to say, but here's a picture to look at first so you don't get too bored and leave before I'm finished:

It's my dog, Nugget. He weighs about 10 pounds, and he also likes to exact comic book style revenge on people and dogs who do him wrong...and sometimes on my husband, who is behind the camera and Nugget is trying to kill.

Second: A humidifier will keep you from getting sick in the dry winter months. It will also make you look like an idiot when you're at the cell phone store yelling at the clerk about their stupid fancy phones that randomly catch on fire in the middle of the night, and the clerk opens your phone up and it's full of water from your humidifier because you just don't think that far ahead, do you?

Third: Cell phone insurance doesn't cover stupid.

Fourth: The expense of a new fancy phone doesn't sting quite as bad when your car blows up two days later. Buying a new car unexpectedly hurts way more than buying a new phone unexpectedly. Next time you have to replace something expensive, break something more expensive immediately after, and it will make you practically forget about that first expensive thing that you broke.

Here's Nugget again. It's his first day of school. He's an excellent learner. (see how I tied this picture into this blog post? It's because one time I learned a lesson about matching stuff with other stuff)

Anyway, the moral of the story is, if you have $5.00, you should buy 5 lottery tickets, because eventually all of your stuff is going to break and no amount of big breasted facebook fans named Myrtle is going to save you from the sea of debt that accumulates when all of your fancy stuff gets broken.

You know what you need to do, bro.

P.S. I'm trying to replace all of my broken stuff. If you're feeling charitable, I have this store where I sell stuff that's not broken. Some of it even sparkles. Also, check out this present I got for you:

I know. There are no words.

An open letter to Oprah Winfrey...

Dear Oprah Winfrey,

One time I was checking the news, and all of the news outlets said that Candy Spelling (Candi? Candi with a heart over the "i"? Candee?) was mad at Tori Spelling, so Candy Spelling wrote an open letter to a bunch of celebrities that she didn't even know, and all of the news outlets were all, "HOLY COW! This is some serious news!" so they all reported it, and then all of the celebrities found out who Candy Spelling was, and Tori Spelling grabbed her pug and everybody went to Applebees and had margaritas.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with you, and for a minute I was too, but then I remembered what my point was and my point is this: First - open letters to and/or by celebrities move mountains.

Next -you're doing this whole Next Chapter thing, and so am I kinda sorta, and I think this is a perfect time for us to sit down on your couch and share this exciting time in our lives. While you might not think that we have a lot in common, I'd like it to be known that A.) like Tori Spelling, I have a pug, B.) like most celebrities, I love margaritas and C.) I've been to Applebees on more than one occasion. So, it's pretty obvious that I would fit in really well with you and your celebrity friends.

The gang at Applebees, just being famous, hanging out with pugs, drinking margaritas.

Also, as a bonus, I've eaten everything in sight over the past few months and gained more than a few pounds. One of my friends just told me I looked like a potato, so if you were thinking of doing one of those positive thinking weight loss shows, you probably can't go wrong with a potato like me.

I don't want to tell you how to live your life, Oprah, but remember how happy we were when we never visited the Grand Canyon together?

~~Food~~ potatoes for thought...

You have my number...

How To Be Married: Supporting Your Spouse's Goals

Part of the award winning series *

"How To Be Married,"

by Jessica Benassi,

self-proclaimed expert on marriage.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, my husband decided to take up the art of photography. He's actually pretty good at it, but I don't like to tell him.

Complimenting your husband creates bad habits like positive self image and good self esteem and pride and all of that nonsense that I'd rather not saddle him with or have to deal with on a regular basis. When husbands are good at stuff, it's best that THEY don't know that YOU know that they're good at stuff, because then they'll try harder to make you notice how good they are at stuff by being even BETTER at stuff and the end result is probably going to be breakfast in bed or a spotless house or a back rub or maybe a new car with a bow on it or something.

Anyway, when James got his most recent new camera gadget thingamajig, this happened:

Me: I think I got bit by a spider on my face...
James: That looks kind of gross.
Me: I know. Also, I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my eye or something...
James: Yeah...your eye is pretty red. It's a little swollen, too.
Me: And I spilled coffee on my shirt...
James: Yeah...you're kind of a mess.
Me: I know. I think I need to hide in the house for a while.
James: Cool, I need to play with my new camera...hold still...

Me: I'd rather-

Me: Seriously, please don't take my pict-

Me: No, for real, I don't want -

Me:Seriously, dude, can you please just-

Me: I'm not -

Me: STOP IT!

Me: I'm seriously going to-

Me: No, for real, I'm-

Me: Are you finished?

James: I think so.

James: Just kidding!

Me: You're seriously the worst husband ever....

And that's why:

This is my husband when his hair is a bird and he's being chased by zombies, one of which is scary George Clooney two headed zombie and another zombie who is my dog and all of the zombies are probably going to eat his brains because he runs like a girl, except not like me because I run pretty fast.

Also, he has boobs.

And his hair is a bird.

Because I'm an artist, too.

How to Keep Your Promises

Me: I was talking to my friend Jerry the other day and he said -
James: Wait. Your friend Jerry?
Me: Right. Anyway -
James: Isn't he our friend Jerry?
Me: No. Not anymore. He said he doesn't like you.
James: I don't believe you.
Me: It's true. He said that ever since you started inserting his name into every song, that he doesn't like you, and also, he thinks you suck.
James: I don't think that's true.
Me: I think it was probably "parsley, sage roseJerry and thyme" that did it for him. I think that was the final straw.
James: I'm going to call him and ask him.
Me: Ok. But you should also know that my friend Jerry says that I should post more blogs of you dressed up as a Real Housewife.
James: No he didn't.
Me: It's true. He even said it on Twitter.

Me: See? Maybe you should have thought twice about the song "Jerry Pie." No wonder he hates you.
James: I still don't believe you.
Me: That's ok. I just wanted you to know that even though Jerry wants to destroy your life and thinks that you smell bad, that I'm not going to dress you up in my blog as a Real Housewife. Because I'm your wife and I love you.
James: You promise?
Me: Of course.
James: Thank you.
Me: No problem.

And now, presenting for the first time ever:

"Pictures of My Husband Not

Dressed Up Like a Real Housewife"

by Jessica Benassi

self proclaimed expert in marriage and photoshop

This is what my husband looks like when he's wearing 2009's prom hairstyle of the year. I mostly like how his hair matches his strappy tank top. And also how he kind of looks like one of the Real Housewives.

This is what my husband looks like with a mullet. I mostly like that he has a mullet. Oh, and also his strappy tank top.

This is what my husband looks like when he's the star of one of the greatest movies of all time. This picture is pretty special because first - that's a really great tank top and second - he kind of almost looks like a Real Housewife. Also, everything is all shiny behind him, and shiny is awesome.

This is what my husband looks like when he's a two headed dinosaur and one of his dinosaur heads is scary Oprah Winfrey and they're starring in one of the greatest movies ever made.

Mostly I like this picture because it's awesome.

Happy New Year!

How To Be Married: Teamwork

Part of the award winning series *

"How To Be Married,"

by Jessica Benassi,

self-proclaimed expert on marriage.

One of the things that makes our marriage so strong, is that James and I are really sympathetic to each other's needs and when things go wrong for one of us, the other one is always there to provide a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes this is difficult, as James and I live with dogs who eat all of our food, so we're both kind of skinny and our shoulders are all boney and not really good for leaning on and actually, it's usually just painful and makes everything worse instead of better.

So first - if you really want your marriage to be successful, you should probably gain lots of weight so that your shoulders are more comfortable to lean on. More potatoes and more cake = better spouse.

(via Foodaphilia )

This is a cake made out of potatoes. Probably if you eat this for dinner every night, your marriage is going to be the best marriage ever because your shoulders will be so fat and comfortable.

Sometimes your spouse might think that they're being helpful and a team player, when in fact, they're just being a giant douche canoe and they should be benched or whatever it is that they do in sports when the person is a huge jerk. Take this hypothetic and not at all true example: If your wife is deperately trying to floss a popcorn kernel out of her teeth and reaches for the mouthwash at the same time, and somehow manages to throw half of the bottle of mouthwash in her eyes, knocking her glasses off of her face and is screaming in agony as she blindly crawls around on the floor looking for her glasses, the appropriate response is NOT to stand in the corner laughing while telling her that she's "getting warmer...warmer ....ooooh, dang....nope...never mind...colder..."

That's not teamwork, mister...that's just a road to Kardashian Town, paved with lies and diamond earrings that are super glued to the cobblestone so you can't actually pick them up and when you reach the end of that road, your knees are all scabbed and gross from crawling on the ground, your fingers are nothing but bloody stumps, you don't have any diamonds and OK! Magazine just told you that you're getting divorced.

So think about that.

Keep coming back for more expert marriage advice and remember, "True love never dies. It just turns into a zombie with festering wounds all over the place, terrorizing the neighborhood and trying to eat everyone's brains."

* Actual awards haven't been granted yet, but as I am also a self proclaimed expert on seeing the future, I can tell you that the awards are coming. For real. You'll see.

P.S. I found this for you:

(via smosh)

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